Coming Out ... Again
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| Writer and Model - Lexus Bradbury |
So with that in mind, allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Hove !! Did you hear the Jay-Z instrumental when you read that ? Okay, what about now ?
I realise I've been gone from any community for a while now, and perhaps my reasons I'll address in another blog, but long story short, I have three disorders I live with that really affect my mental health. I'll give you a bit of my background and then we will get to the juicy stuff I'm sure most of you came to read.
I'm a male to female Transsexual, I transitioned back in 2012 ... I think, its either 12 or 11. I never thought I'd see the day I couldn't remember the year I came out, but after a while and several breakdowns, I stopped counting. It was a scary time for me looking back, in my head I felt like I looked like a hideous monster, yet I felt I had to do it anyway. In the end it turns out I didn't look like a monster, and the world was about to open up to me in ways I wasn't ready for.
I began to sign up to social media under my new identity and was greeted by a positive reaction, the world was different back then. Back then I was seen as brave and compelling, whereas today I'm seen as a social parasite. I don't just mean myself, I'm speaking about full time Transsexuals in general. I know exactly why this happened and what changed, and perhaps I will get into that another time, but for now all that matters, is things changed.
The publics response to my content back then was of overwhelming support, I started to gain fans and an audience, mainstream adult companies were coming in for me to do shoots for them. Everything gained momentum, and before I knew it, my social media was rocking 20,000 followers. The press got wind of it, and an independent journalist made me an offer for my story. The publics reception to me was mixed. On one hand I had people dehumanising me, calling me an it and a thing, and on the other hand, people were reaching out telling me I was their inspiration.
I suppose I always imagined success would make me feel different inside, I had a very abusive upbringing which I will go into on another blog. I always imagined success would make me feel better about everything I went through. In the end it didn't, I still felt like the same old me. I used the money I made to fund my surgeries, which did make me feel better about some things, even if not the past. I had a boob job which brought a bigger audience, then I had face surgery which again I will go into on a later blog, but before you wonder ... YES , it really hurts !! Like really hurts.
Everything seemed okay on the surface, but behind closed doors I was going through a breakup with my long term partner. She was my absolute rock, and anything great about me that I ever achieved, I could never have done without her. A television company came in to film our day to day lives, the public is obsessed with Trans people for various reasons, so it makes perfect sense for TV companies to churn out content. In the end I had to pull the plug on it to avoid a full break up being televised. We discussed if we could hold it together for the film crew, but it was too risky, we simply could not get on for more than an hour at a time.
My partner left and moved on with her life, but I had some serious issues doing that, even today I don't feel great about it. There's a cheesy song I love by The Script called Breakeven that really sums up the harsh realities of love. There will always be someone in a couple that loves the other, more than they are loved back, this has always been me. One of my disorders is the gift and curse of overwhelming emotion, there's no escaping it for me. The truth is, I've never fallen out of love with anyone I've ever fallen in love with, I've never met someone who's the same. Don't get me wrong, I move on , but deep down the flame still burns. That song's here by the way, I don't listen to it no more because, well ... why do you think ?
Once my partner split I fell apart, I went from a healthy 9 stone, down to 6 within months, I call it the separation diet. Shortly after I ended up in a psychiatric hospital and haven't really been the same since.
Eventually the dust settled and I began to try and pull myself back to my feet and get back to the old me. My twitter page had gone, I had completely walked away from everything I spent years working on, so I had to rebuild. The only problem was my motivation had completely left me. I felt angry at my community which I'll be happy to go into another time. I felt full time girls were being misrepresented by people without the IQ to talk on such matters. I also felt like I'd achieved everything I ever wanted in the industry.
I compare it to when Tyson Fury won all his world titles against Klitschko and went on a mad one. He spoke about how he'd achieved his dreams, and didn't know what to do with himself. The obvious answer is to make new dreams, but that doesn't lead to freedom. So what do you do when you achieve your dreams ? At the time mine was to be a woman and model. It was to be remembered when I'm gone, something that didn't happen when my mother died. Who remembers her other than close relatives ? To live in the hearts of others is not to die. I achieved all that , so what do I do now ?
Nothing was sticking with me, and my motivation was sapped. I couldn't go a couple of months without a breakdown, with each one I lost more of myself. I went from massively underweight, to heavily overweight, so I wasn't even fit to model anymore, then it came to me.
I'm coming back , not as a Mistress, not as a Dominatrix, not as your bog standard model, I decided I'm going to go lifestyle as an adult baby. Being a model is a lot like being a DJ hired for a party, you don't play your own taste in music, you cater to your audience. I never was the things I portrayed on camera, it was work. Do you think The Undertaker from WWE walks around ASDA dressed as the dead man doing his weekly shopping ? I find it hard to believe this is a surprise to some people, but yet they get so caught up in things, that they start buying into it, commonly known as marks.
Having all the experience and thick skin of transitioning, has more than prepared me for this. It is very much who I am at my core, so why don't I stop catering to people who want to use me for their ideas of what I can be, and why don't I start catering to myself. Play the music I want to listen to for a change !!
You can stick your Agadoo up ya bum bum !!
I think that's a wrap for this week, join me next week (11/07/25) when I lift the lid on why I chose to come out as ABDL.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to follow my blog and if you want to help me out, please will you share this. Lets get this thing off the ground.
See you next week, but for now, Goo Goo Ga Ga x
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