Hey Joe
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| Writer and Model - Lexus Bradbury |
I'm writing to you today, because I think you could do with a friend right now. You're probably up in your room, sat on the window, looking out at the farmland all around you. Watching the cars pass by over the hills, dreaming of all the wonderful things you want to be when you grow up. I used to be exactly the same. We have a lot in common Joe, more than you realise right now. We both dream big !!
A lot of children have silly dreams when they're little. Some dream of being footballers, some dream of being superheroes. Very few of the boys and girls you're friends with, will achieve their dreams. In a way, you are going to be that superhero. You're going to help and inspire a lot of people in your life !!
You have to lie about your dreams don't you Joe ? It's okay, I already know what you want to be when you get big. You're so afraid to admit it, you daren't say it out loud. You don't have to, it's fine. You're not ready, and you don't understand what it all really means. I promise you that one day it will all make sense.
Your Mummy's got a hangover again hasn't she ? Best to stay up here out of the way. I know everything you're going through at home Joe. I know you have to hide the bruises. I know your Mummy came in your room and ripped up your Kylie Minogue poster. I know she felt bad and replaced it with a lesser poster. And I also know she ripped up that one too. Eventually she will just stop replacing the stuff she's damaged. I like Kylie too !! Your favourite songs Especially for You right ? My favourite Kylie songs called, I Believe in You. You won't have heard it yet, it will come out when you're older.
You've made your bedroom nice again after Mummy trashed it. Joe, you aren't the problem in the house. I know your Mummy says you are, but you are a child and have done nothing wrong. This is not going to be easy to hear, but Mummy isn't a nice person. I know you will be angry with me for saying this, because you love your Mummy. But Mummy's not your friend really Joe. Your Mummy doesn't even love Mummy, so Mummy can't really love you. Please don't be angry with me for saying that, I know you're defensive of her. The truth is Joe, it's not really Mummy's fault, she is what she is.
Don't feel bad about what happened last week. You were being backed into a corner by a big mean bully, prodding you in your chest, hoping you would react. Karen's even more a not nice person Joe. She tells your Mummy she loves her, and I suppose in her own little way she does. But she doesn't really love her like you love a person, she loves her like something you own. When you said to her, if she kept pushing you against the wall, you would cut her with a knife, it's a normal reaction for a kid who's being abused. As the adults, your Mummy should never have gone and got a knife, and given it to Karen to put it in your hand in the first place. How many times did you tell her Joe ? You didn't want to, before you ran that knife over the top of her arm ? She pushed and pushed until you just snapped. You don't realise this yet, but that was a regular cutlery knife. Running that over the top of her arm would create a little scratch, it won't really hurt her.
When Karen fell on the floor and died, she was pretending. She wanted to scare you even more than you already were. And when your Mummy said she needed to go phone the police, because you killed her, she was pretending too !! They were messing with your head Joe. You're going to feel bad about it for some time, but none of that was your fault. Grown ups will think they're sick, because that's what they are.
Karen's a piece of shit Joe. You are not her child, and because of the way she is, she can't love you as her child. I know Karen smacked you for getting out of bed and going to the toilet that night. I've got a great idea !! There's an old yellow plastic cup in the kitchen cupboard. It's yours from when you were really little. Take that, and put it under your bed. That way, when you need a wee at night, you can go in the cup without getting hassle. Saves you tiptoeing on the creaky floorboards. But Joe, please please remember, to empty the cup in the morning. To wash it out, and put it back under your bed. If your Mummy finds it, she will give you two options. To go into care, or drink the pee you left in the cup, because Karen is going to deny smacking you. Trust me Joe, you don't want to have to do that, so please don't get sloppy and remember okay !!
At least you've got your dreams, please hold onto them, they're going to get you through this whole thing. Don't become too attached to Mummy Joe. One day she's not going to be there, and you're going to have to look after yourself.
Here's some things about the future that I know you're probably not ready to hear. At fourteen you will be forced out the house. It will be the day you realise Mummy picked her relationship over you. At fifteen you will have your own place, and drop out of school because no ones taking care of you anymore. Don't worry too much about that, because you have big dreams, and school won't get you there anyway.
You're going to waste much of your youth waiting for your dreams to come true. Perhaps if this letter gets to you, you can realise that dreams don't just come true. You're going to have to make them happen all by yourself Joe. Nothing is going to be handed to you. Dreams don't just come true on their own. Lots of grown ups are still sat waiting for things to happen, that are never going to happen, because they haven't realised we make our own luck.
At some point whether you listen to me or you don't, all your dreams are going to come true. You're special Joe, and gifted. All the abuse you're going through right now, is going to both screw you up, and also give you the edge over everybody else.
People are going to admire and look up to you. They're going to copy you and try to replicate who you are. Don't be offended by any of this, imitation is flattery. You're going to be a role model for many people Joe. So in a way, everything your Mummy and Karen is putting you through, is going to give you the shoulders big enough, to handle all the expectations.
With success comes a lot of resentment Joe. People are going to come after you. Remember when Mummy said, "if wit was shit you'd be constipated" ? Well, that couldn't be further from the truth. Everything you're going to experience, will prepare you for all the hate coming your way. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to be able to cope with your tongue Joe. Along with your wonderful mind, it's your most powerful weapon. You're not built for fighting. I know you wish you were, but you're just not. You're not going to get the best of people fighting them. It's your mind and mouth that's going to hurt them. You have a wonderful brain, don't feel bad about dismantling somebody who's trying to hurt you. They did it to themselves when they set out to hurt you. Just know when to do it, and make sure you use it on the right people. Last thing you want to do is hurt people you love, it's very hard to live with, trust me. You are the truth Joe, as long as you stick to being the truth, no weapon against you will ever prosper.
You're going to be angry for many years about what can only be described, as having your childhood robbed from you. This isn't really a bad thing. Use that anger Joe, channel it to motivate you. There's going to be days when you feel like giving up, when staying in bed feels the best option. Think of how good you're going to feel, when you get out of that bed, and become so much more, than any of them people who've hurt you, could ever imagine.
They're all wanting to see you fail Joe. If you fail, they can sit on their fat arses and say, Joe ain't shit. You must disappoint those people Joe. If you work hard, some of them people will go to the grave without seeing you fail. There are people who already hate you, that will wait the rest of their lives, wanting to see you fail, then they will die. Many of your enemies will die Joe, you don't have to do much, just focus on you. When the news breaks of what you intend on doing, they're going to have expectations of how it's going to be and look. You're going to give them nothing to hold onto. Nothing to laugh about. You're going to be great Joe. One of the greatest of all time.
The world's going to open up to you in so many ways, and one day, people are going to be nice to you because of who you are. All your dreams are going to come true Joe !! You're going to have the world eating out the palm of your hand. You're going to be an icon, but understand, when this all comes to fruition. It's just going to lead to you setting new dreams and goals, and achieving them too. This isn't going to lead to happiness.
All of this isn't going to make the pain of what you're currently experiencing go away. I'd love to sit there and say, that your life's going to get better. But despite all the success you're going to experience, you're still going to just feel like you.
People are going to surround you, and pretend to be your friend, just to get a piece of you. Be mindful of these people Joe, they're not really your friends, they want to use you. They're going to give you all kinds of drugs and alcohol. I know your Mummy smokes and drinks, just like Karen does. And I know how much you hate that. If you don't be careful, you're going to end up doing all the same things she does. You don't have the lungs for it, and you're going to end up unwell when you get to my age. Please look after your body Joe. People are going to have all kinds of opinions on it, but it's amazing, and it's the only one you've got and will ever have. Please look after yourself.
Look at me Joe, take a long look at my picture, do you see anything familiar ? You probably don't, because I've had a fair bit of face surgery. I look a lot like Mummy right ? Could I be an Auntie that Mummy never told you about ? No it's not that. Think harder for a minute. Why am I even calling you Joe ? Joe's your middle name right ? Only your Nan called you that. Little Joe 90 with the big glasses. How do I know, you pinched a picture of your nan from your Mummy's photo album ? And how do I know at night, you pull it out from the bottom of your toy box and cry ? I know everything about you Joe.
It doesn't really matter who I am at the moment. What does matter, is I want you to know, that I'm always here for you if you need me. When you realise, all the pain you're going to have to go through in order to be happy, it might not seem like it, and you might feel alone and afraid. But I am right there with you, listening to everything you're going through.
One day, you're going to be sat writing the same letter that I am now, because you know that little Joe is alone and afraid. I promise you Joe, then, you will know who I am.
Now dry our eyes and be brave, you've got work to do !!
Love
Lexus xxx
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